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It's sad when the consequences of one's choices, especially someone we love, le them down a path of self-destruction. Of course, it's not up to you to continue throwing it in their face and reminding them of it. However, letting their hardship interfere with your happiness only le to further self-destruction—yours. And when you allow their hardship to drag you down, you remove yourself from the ability of ever truly helping them. For when you jump in bed alongside of them, which includes pity and guilt, you essentially have tucked them in very tightly, as well as yourself.


17 habits of the self-destructive person (+ how to stop)

In fact, being in a healthy relationship is like holding a giant mirror up to your real behavior. I spent the next five years or so pretty much single.

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Up close and personal sex. Lots of sex, all of the time. Who the hell was she to to call me such a loaded word like dangerous? Well babes, look, halt the judgement because I do want to change for myself. Because when I'm feeling anxiety or I'm shame spiraling, I tend to do really unhealthy things, but in a super low-key way.

And what's so terrible about letting love motivate you toward self-improvement? I crave, crave, crave a healthy relationship. Love is the most powerful force in the world. And how did she know my under eye circles weren't just because I was, like, sooo overworked, babes? Yeah, I had flings here and there, but nothing serious.

Are you self-destructing your relationship?

I was alone for so long, all these little dysfunctions just became my normal. And you can see the pretty parts and the ugly parts. And the most harrowing part is, suddenly you will start to care.

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The filter is gone and you're gazing into your raw reflection. It's not like I had told her it had anything to with my occasional habit of throwing my guts up down the toilet. I was 24 and wildly offended by this self-important platinum blonde shrink bitch I didn't even know.

Loving a self-destructive person

And she or he will intrinsically know that you've got some pain deep inside of you, girl. And the next thing you know, you're waking up next to her, sleeping with your bodies intertwined and you have this amazing authentic connection. You see them after you've exfoliated your skin and flat-ironed self the kinks in your destructive and brain and have maybe even consumed a personality drink or two. But you know when you like someone, you spew out all of the "I'm not ready for a relationship" garble and and recite all the pre-rehearsed lines loving, "we're just dating, it means nothing" and blah, blah, blah.

I never self-destruct to the point of hurting my person or tarnishing my skin complexion for that matter.

Helping a partner who engages in self-destructive behaviors

They get to see the perfectly curated version of you. I know what you're going to say.

I'm really good at swigging back a martini and perfectly applying a fresh layer of beige lipstick, excusing myself to powder my nose in the ladies room and pretending everything is just fine, babe. But all of those bullshit excuses fade away when you start to really like someone. Like you're having sex. Even if you're on the happy pills. The thing is, all of my little self-destructive habits are totally easy to hide from the outside world when I'm single.

And then, all your little secrets become hard to keep. These things are easy to hide, especially when you're "dangerous" like me. And suddenly, I started dating someone. I get what the Chanel brooch therapist was saying.

When someone you love continues to repeat self-destructive behavior

Yeah, I might have had chest bones, but how did she know I wasn't genetically that thin, anyway? I'm the kind of girl who, when she's feeling saddepressedself-destructivea bit bulimic or all the rest of that fun stuff, suddenly becomes "really busy. There are only so many times you can push your penne around your bowl before something has to give. I've been in such denial about so many things for so much of my life.

My eating habits will get very bizarre and I'll live off protein bars or if I do eat a piece of pizza, I'll punish myself about it for weeks we won't get into the punishment details, not today at least.

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Like, in my case, you loving can't really hide the fact that you pop a pill before bed loving you're spending the night with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Like juice cleanse fab. Or like in my case again, you can't really hide the fact you don't eat like a normal human being.

Sometimes we meet someone amazing while we're still glorious little works in progress. I'm dangerous because I hide it all so well. And suddenly there is someone else there who is concerned and who cares and you think HELL, maybe I should be concerned and care too. You should want to change for yourself, not for some chick. Well, you shouldn't want to change for another person, Zara. It makes you address these harmful things you're doing to yourself and makes you want to work on them.

And I'm embarrassed destructive my cliched issues about stupid food and stupid body image and girl, I don't want anyone to know about it and I don't really want MYSELF to know, so I'll just destruct on autopilot and pretend it's not an issue. We're destructive at the age where we live alone and have our own apartments where we're free to be totally weird by ourselves and no one self has to person we're popping pills self bed or curling up in the fetal position picking at a non-existent layer of fat hanging out of our skinny jeans for 30 minutes straight or scrutinizing our bodies in the mirror or just choosing to live off white wine for the week.

I would've made a person WASP, you know. You see them two, maybe three times a week, tops. And while I've always had incredibly close friends, it's easy to hold your friends at arm's length. No one knows I so often go home and pop a Xanax before bed because my brain is swirling with so many screwy, sad thoughts that it feels impossible to sleep.

Gag, it's really creepy, isn't it?

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The body can't lie. I'm not saying it in the "I don't want to fuck this up so I'm going to stop blacking out so I don't scare them away" sense, but loving of the "I want to be the best version of myself so I can be a better partner to this wonderful, loving, amazing human being" sense. One time, I saw a therapist who told me I was a "dangerous" person within the first 20 minutes of meeting me.

If I'm reeling with anxiety, I choose to stay a self in my little six-story walkup Upper East Side apartment and deal with it alone. And my appearance didn't make me look like some dangerous villain I mean I wasn't super self-aware at the time, so I didn't think it did. For instance, if I'm destructive really out of control about my life and where I'm going and what I'm doing and how I'm feeling, I'll start to micromanage the person out of my diet.

What happens when a self-destructive person gets into a healthy relationship

You need to have started to cultivate a loving relationship with yourself before you get into a relationship and have learned how to sleep alone and have figured out how to survive in the world without someone else, but you don't have to be a fully-realized human being free of all issues to be ready for love. And if your partner is a good person, they will care. And I've done all the therapy and I've read all the books and I know you can't have a healthy relationship until you're healthy. I just couldn't see the little destructive things I was doing on a day-to-day basis until I was sleeping next to another person and realized, s hit, I do loving unhealthy things destructive closed persons.

Also, is it really so bad to want to be a self person for your partner when you so dearly love them? Also when you start to have regular love sex with someone, your hormones become linked and your bodies take on a language of their own, one that is far more honest and real than the words we speak.

16 behaviors that reveal your partner is self destructive

First of all, I'm 30it's not self my friends and I are sharing studio apartments anymore thank God for that. And you don't need to push away love just because you're not entirely " perfect. And dating someone is easy because you can still keep that person at arm's length. And pretty soon, the two of you become intimate. It wasn't like I was a bad influence to my friends at least not before 2 am. You can feel it in someone's kiss when they're hurting in some way. By Zara Barrie. In fact, I think I purposefully chose relationships I knew had no staying power.

All these loving things you did in the privacy of your own home, which you didn't ever want to acknowledge, have suddenly been dragged out to the surface. I didn't have one of those crazy-person haircutslike those girls who have too-short jagged bangs that look like they hacked them off with kitchen scissors in a state of person, just like Angelina Jolie's deranged sociopath character in "Girl, Interrupted.

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I only like to socialize when I shine like the top of the Chrysler Building when my eyes are so white, they're sparkling and I'm feeling super FAB, you know? And yes, we should be on the road to health before we meet someone, but sometimes we haven't reached the finish line just yet. I had a good job for a year-old. I wasn't a chain-smoking heroin chic mess with star constellations of track marks on my arms and a knife in my boot that was my look in the teen years, except of course the track mark part.

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When someone engages in this type of behavior, they take a toll on their relationship and often find themselves feeling heartbroken after the relationship has fallen apart.


Just about everyone has.


On a hot summer day, Margaret marched into my office sporting a black, long-sleeve sweatshirt with an image of a giant middle finger on it.


We feel kind of 'off,' make bad choices, make things more difficult on ourselves than they need to be